Moaning Flu
Saturday, August 22, 2009 at 11:18AM Moaning is a highly destructive and infectious negative habit. No doubt most of us fall into it from time to time but moaning is also something that readily spreads, infecting those around us and even sowing the seeds for a culture of grumbling, complaining, and negativity. When we are with a moaner, almost as a means of showing our human solidarity, we can begin to find ourselves drawn into the moaning pit. We can end up egging each other on to greater and greater levels of moaning. It really is an insidious habit that draws us in. Why is this?
Moaning MyrtleIt seems to me that all – or at least most – of us have a certain quantum of negativity (as my teacher once called it) which seeks some form of expression. Moaning is an outlet for this negativity. Moreover, when we are talking to a moaner, this sparks off the negativity within us – the resentments, injustices, and frustrations that we feel can begin to rise to the surface. Before we know it, we are embroiled in a full-scale moanfest. But more than this, if this carries on unchecked we can begin to find ourselves participating in a culture of moaning where our primary means of relating to others is on the basis of our shared resentments.
It is evident that organisations of various types readily become the focus for our moaning tendency. It is far easier to escalate the vehemence of our complaints about an organisation than it is about an individual. First, in moaning about an organisation there is no single person held responsible and so there is no danger of thinking that we may be being mean or vindictive. It may not seem that we are causing any harm. Second, organisations often appear to have a great deal of power and we may feel relatively powerless; consequently it seems natural to kick against the power economy that we feel impoverished by. Third, no individual is held ultimately responsible for the organisation – it is a faceless bureaucracy and cannot answer back. We are not faced directly with the upset that our moaning may cause because it is not directed at a single individual. Finally, by displacing our problems on to an organisation we may evade our personal responsibility for resolving them.
None of this is to suggest that criticism and complaint is never legitimate; it is more a matter of the context and the spirit in which this is expressed. A moaner is not usually interested in improving or resolving issues; in fact, when faced with this opportunity they will usually moan that it won’t do any good, or won’t make any difference! A moaner just wants to moan. If we recognise that our communication affects others then we will see that our moaning will have a negative impact upon them; we will drag others down into our moaning pit. This underlines for me how we need to take care of our communication and ensure that we communicate on a skilful basis, rather than allow our unskilful tendencies free rein. It is important not only for ourselves but because our negativity ripples outwards, setting off other negative reactions and contributing towards an overall atmosphere in which we feel powerless, resentful, and embittered. Learning to recognise the moaner within – and without - and to resist colluding with him or her is a crucial aspect of developing more positive mental states and more creative human relations.
Nagapriya
Response to Comment about Moaning in Yoga Classes
I dont have an easy solution for you. At the same time, I certainly can't (sorry my apostrophe key seems not to be working) agree that struggling with moaning is the imposition of a male perspective. After all, men moan a lot too and that's just as bad!
I am not in your Yoga classes and so can't judge exactly what happens but, I think, in general terms moaning brings everyone down, even when this is not consciously noticed and perhaps even when one thinks it is establishing a bond. Can one establish a positive bond on the basis of complaint and moaning? The problem with this is that if the bond is based on moaning then to sustain it one needs to continue to engage in more moaning - which is what we do much of the time. It is hard to change the rules of the relationship.
I had a minor insight into moaning and complaint this week, which was that moaning is often displaced anxiety or anger. I noticed this clearly this week in relation to the train service. I was at Manchester Victoria station in the depths of the cold snap waiting for a train home. The previous train was cancelled and so there were many more people than usual trying to cram into what turned out to be only two carriages. I managed to get on but many others didn't. For various reasons, the train remained in the station for 25 minutes or so and the passengers around me started up an ininterupted line in moaning. "Why aren't there more carriages?" "Why can't the transport service cope with bad weather? Whey aren't they telling us what is happening?" "This many people on a train is dangerous.", Why should I pay £5.20 for this level of service?" And so it went on.
I have to confess that at times I wanted to chime in but resisted. At other times, I wanted to tell everyone to shut up moaning but I kept my own counsel. As it went on, I realised that passengers' moans expressed underlying anxiety about being asked to leave the train, about the train not getting to their destination, and about general insecurity in relation to the weather conditions and travel. However, rather than say "I feel anxious that I may not get home," we generally prefer to moan. After all, it is much easier to externalise the problem - it is someone else who is at fault - rather than admit; actually I feel really anxious and insecure.
To address your specific problem, given that you are teaching about mindfulness, I would suggest trying to bring in more awareness about mindfulness of emotions and of speech within the yoga class itself. You could even announce that this was a theme that you specifically want to develop over a period of time as an extension of mindfulness (you dont specifically need to mention the moaning). You could encourage students to become aware of how they might feel uncomfortable in and around the class and to become aware of how they respond to this discomfort. You could also encourage them to become aware of what they are looking for when engaging with other people in the class. For instance, are they looking for connection? If so, what is the best way of bringing this about?
It sounds like you have quite a developed culture there so I think it will take some shifting but I think it can be done over time. After all, mindfulness touches every aspect of our lives, not just our bodies.
Moaning, negative emotion, samskara in Personal 
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Reader Comments (2)
Very nice post indeed. Nagapriya I am trying to practice the Sila of Samyak Vaacha (Perfect Speech) since our previous Mitra Chapter meeting.I feel we need much restraint here.
Hello nagapriya
I teach yoga and elements of mindfulness practice, mainly to middle-aged women, some of whom are chronic moaners.
I really dislike it, for several reasons and have tried to encourage them to see that is "unskillful" but haven't really gotten anywhere.
I think I dislike it because I can feel how the "energy" of the group changes for the worse when moaning happens. Or I can see an individual's body language becoming sunken and resentful.
I want to facilitate an understanding of this effect for my students but have hesitated partly because I haven't been confident enough that moaning is a negative thing.
The students and other friends I have discussed this with believe moaning creates a kind of bond and that it is a helpful release of emotion.
My feeling is that, as you say in your article, it kind of perpetuates and maybe even reinforces the resentment. As you say, it also brings others into this state of feeling resentful.
My belief is that the skillful approach would be to either instigate action to change whatever is causing the resentment or practise allowing those feelings "to be" if no action is possible. My students and friends think I'm trying to impose a "male" way on to women who maybe relate to moaning differently.
I'm also aware that resentment is one of the emotions I am most susceptible to so maybe I am extra sensitive to it's manifestation in others. And I guess there is an opportunity for some work on my own reactions. I would appreciate any advice you may have or further reading you could direct me to.
Thanks
Ged
PS. If you do reply to this, would you also send a copy to my email? (or perhaps some notification that a reply is on your website?)
Thanks again